Why You Shouldn’t Always Believe What You See on Social Media:
The Gabby Petito Case and Abuse We Don’t See
We all do it. Scroll through our social media feeds and look at smiling couples. Breakfasts in bed overlooking the ocean. Cute selfies from a fun night out. Adorable captions talking about how in love they are. But is that always the full story? Do we accept these photos as the truth because that is what we want to believe? It doesn’t seem plausible that in some of these relationships, there is a darker undercurrent of toxicity. That there can exist a very real danger underneath the smiles.
Who is Really “Acting Crazy”?
I used to go on dates and listen to men talk about how “crazy” their ex was. I would believe them without question. She must have been so awful. Poor you. What a great guy to hang in there and put up with that behavior. But after getting to know these individuals, I would learn that any woman who was repeatedly exposed to put-downs, verbal abuse, lack of support, and a literal shredding of her identity would begin to “act crazy”. Is a hysterically crying woman who is clearly on emotional overload acting “crazy”? To any outside observer, yes, absolutely. That behavior seems out of control. It’s something we are uncomfortable with and want to look away from. But the real question is: WHAT MADE HER REACT THAT WAY? I no longer believe that women are overly emotional and “crazy” when I see these responses.
When a man tells me his ex is “crazy”, a red flag goes up and I begin to suspect I am talking to an abuser. We are socially conditioned to think that abuse is something that is associated with violence. Hitting, slapping, punching. Well what about emotional violence? Gaslighting? Manipulation? Devaluing? Yelling? Name calling? The threat of violence?
My Experience of “The Perfect Life” with an Abuser
You may ask how I came to this conclusion? Well, it’s because I was once the girl crying hysterically next to a man who was my partner. At one point in my life, I would have looked very similar to the bodycam footage of Gabby Petito. The girl I saw crying on the side of the highway was eerily similar to versions of myself from the past. I identified immediately that she was the victim of emotional abuse before I even heard a word from her then boyfriend. I didn’t need to. I could feel the pain, fear, hysteria and overwhelm through the video screen. It brought me back to each of the instances where I had been broken down mentally and afraid for my own safety. But here’s the catch: absolutely no one else in my life would have had any idea. I had my own curated version of my perfect life. And I would have never opened up to anyone about what was going on at home, behind closed doors. I felt like I was an unworthy failure because someone who claimed to love me more than anyone else in the world would then simultaneously treat me like absolute garbage. Would berate me, tell me how stupid and ugly I was, question my integrity, my career, my ability to even function like an adult. To place me in a mental prison where the only escape was to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear and pretend like my life was perfect. To literally try to be perfect. To never mess up. To constantly smile, look pretty, keep everything tidy, keep myself neatly groomed at every minute, to even sleep like a little doll. To literally be constantly available with my time, my body, my emotions. To never deny or cross him. And to keep up those appearances at every hour of the day. Never let anyone else know what was happening.
Why Victims Don’t Speak Up
The thing about abuse is that I was utterly convinced that I was the one who was screwing things up. If I could just stop leaving my coffee spoon in the sink in the morning, THEN our life would be perfect and he would be happy. If I would just stop asking him to talk to me or acknowledge that I was even in the same room, THEN he would love me. If I would just stop wearing the color red, I would actually be beautiful and accepted by him. But actually blue jeans were out too. And really anything else in my closet. Except black. Which was appropriate, because then I could go out in the world adorned with the very color that reflected the life I was living at that very moment. Colorless, joyless, devoid of any authentic emotion or connection. I could never do anything right and so I slowly began to make myself smaller and smaller so that I wouldn’t attract more attention and the subsequent verbal abuse that would come along with it.
I stopped wanting to wake up anymore. I had become the frog in the boiling water. Not realizing my spirit was slowly dying until it was too late. I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to do anything but survive.
How Could This Happen to YOU?
I’m sure you’re wondering how that could possibly happen to a smart, cute girl with a college education and a career? Well, there is the complex psychological explanation. And then there is the simple one: It didn’t start out that way.
I had ended up in a relationship with a narcissist. But naturally, the charming person you start dating is the one you keep chasing and hoping will come back after things turn dark.
And to make it more complex, this is a person who will quickly gain your trust, get to know you intimately and learn your past, your history, your fears and your desires. Just to later use every ounce of that information against you in a calculated bid to “hook” you in and never let you go. To break you down into a shell of the human you once were and then step in to “save” you from yourself. The chemical addiction component of this push/pull style relationship is so real that you don’t even see it coming. But leaving feels like the most impossible thing you’ve ever done. And by the time you’re mentally broken down and barely able to think straight, you literally cannot contemplate leaving because you no longer believe you are the capable, confident girl you once were.
And this person, the very same one who strategically has pulled you into their web of psychological control, has made themselves into your God. You live and breathe by their word. Or face the consequences.
It really is a strange dynamic that doesn’t make any sense once you are out of it. But as a rational person who has been there and was somehow able to walk away from an abusive situation, I am here to tell you that Gabby Petito was the victim of abuse and she couldn’t have left her boyfriend because he had her convinced hook, line and sinker that SHE was the problem. That’s how manipulative people work. It’s all YOUR fault. There is no accountability. And they actually enjoy pulling your strings and making you hurt. It’s psychotic when you really think about it.
What Can You Do About This?
So what can you do with this information? Well, you can start to look beneath the surface. Start to question what you see happening in front of you. Look for the signs of emotional abuse. Don’t assume that just because you don’t see someone becoming physically violent means that abuse isn’t happening. It’s important to establish that verbal abuse is often the first sign that leads up to physical violence. And trust me, if someone doesn’t respect you enough not to verbally abuse you, then they don’t respect you enough not to hit you either. Respect is key. People who respect you will not put you down, minimize you or your accomplishments, they will not talk down to you, they will not call you names, they will not cross your boundaries, they will not ask you for favors that you are uncomfortable with. People who respect you will never ever make you feel unsafe. They take responsibility for their actions. They don’t have a problem apologizing and then never repeating that behavior again because they value you and the relationship.
Let us also normalize conversations about mental health. Let’s check in with each other. Create safe spaces for friends to share what might actually be going on in their lives without fear of judgment.
Often abuse victims are afraid to share what is going on because they don’t want to feel shamed for the situation they are in. They know something is wrong but have no idea what to do about it.
Support goes a long way. Listening without judgment is a tremendous way to support a friend. Building trust. Creating a safe space that says, “I am here for you even if the truth isn’t as perfect as I’ve imagined it is.”
What if This is You?
If you believe you are currently in an abusive relationship, please know that it will not get better. This person will not change. Life will not miraculously get easier. If you just change x,y, or z, you will not get the love and approval you crave. Please know that there is life beyond this relationship. A damn good life. You may not see it right now, but is it worth sacrificing everything else to find out? Yes it is. I knew I was ready to reach for another life, for something better, to acknowledge my own value as a human being when I was ready to burn it all to the ground if that was what it would take for me to get out of the relationship. I was ready to leave it all behind. Sever any friendship, lose any job, lose my apartment, lose my sense of familiarity and stability if it just meant I could have my life back. It sounds terrifying, but I promise you, there is life on the other side. And it really does get better without constant toxicity in your life.
If someone isn’t respecting you, you can’t convince them to start treating you better. But you can respect yourself. You can advocate for yourself. And you can save your own life.
